MAY 25, 2010

Full News Archive

• Headline: Innovative Solutions Amid Financial Challenges. Impact: The lean budgets led to a nationwide shortage of good ideas. This eventually caused the invention of the 'Smart Budgeting' app, which was actually just a calculator with a fancy name.. Fact: Apparently, when politicians face budget cuts, they get creative—like toddlers with a crayon, except the walls are the economy..
• Headline: Skepticism About Climate Change in Britain. Impact: The rise of climate skepticism in the UK led to a nationwide increase in umbrella sales. Coincidentally, the weather became increasingly unpredictable, creating a perfect storm of irony.. Fact: Skepticism is great—unless you're skeptical about the existence of gravity. Then you might have some serious issues..
• Headline: U.S. Expands Covert Operations in Mideast. Impact: The secret directive by Petraeus sparked an underground movement of coffee shop conspirators who believed they could do a better job with a barista's guide to counter-terrorism.. Fact: Nothing says 'I have a plan' like a secret directive. It’s like a surprise party for the entire world—except no one is having any fun..
• Headline: A Behind-the-Scenes Firm in the Spotlight. Impact: Transocean's sudden fame led to a surge in reality TV shows about oil drilling, completely overshadowing the environmental devastation caused by their operations.. Fact: Being in the spotlight is great until everyone realizes you're responsible for one of the worst environmental disasters. Then it’s just awkward family dinner vibes..
• Headline: When Passengers Spit, Bus Drivers Take Months Off. Impact: The spitting incident prompted a nationwide campaign for 'Spit-Free Zones,' which ironically led to an increase in public spitting competitions—because, why not?. Fact: Taking time off for spitting incidents? That’s the dream! I guess in New York, even bodily fluids come with benefits..