MAY 24, 2010

Full News Archive

• Headline: U.S. Goalies Shine in World Cup Showdown. Impact: Tim Howard's stellar performance at the World Cup sparked a global goalie renaissance, leading to a sudden influx of young kids in the U.S. donning oversized gloves and dreaming of thwarting goals instead of scoring them. Who knew a single save could redirect the trajectory of an entire generation?. Fact: Tim Howard once made 16 saves in a single World Cup match, proving that yes, sometimes one person can indeed stop an avalanche..
• Headline: Cost-Cutting Press Flights for Presidential Trips. Impact: The decision for reporters to stay home while the President travels led to a dramatic rise in 'journalistic creativity.' Suddenly, spinning the news from the comfort of a couch became not just acceptable but fashionable, igniting the rise of the 'armchair reporter.'. Fact: The only thing cheaper than a press flight is the quality of journalism produced when reporters decide that their couch is the best seat in the house..
• Headline: As Reform Takes Shape, Some Relief on Wall St.. Impact: The Senate bill's impact on Wall Street was like putting a band-aid on a leaky dam; it might have reduced profits, but it did little to address the actual flooding. This led to a bizarre trend where bankers became both frustrated and more creative in their methods of profit generation—because who doesn't love a challenge?. Fact: Wall Street’s idea of reform often looks like rearranging deck chairs on the Titanic, all while claiming they’ve made the ship 'unsinkable.'.
• Headline: Rules Grow, Banks Stay Same Size. Impact: Obama's approach to financial reform resulted in a paradox where banks got bigger while rules multiplied, proving once again that in the game of Monopoly, the real estate moguls always win. This set the stage for future generations to believe that 'too big to fail' was just corporate jargon for 'too big to care.'. Fact: The financial system being 'sound' is like saying a sinking ship is 'still afloat'—it might be true, but only until the next iceberg shows up..