MAY 23, 2010

Full News Archive

• Headline: Landis Attends Tour of California Controversy. Impact: Floyd Landis showing up was like a butterfly flapping its wings, leading to a global conspiracy of cyclists conspiring to sneak protein shakes into their water bottles. Thanks, Landis! The Tour of California became a hotspot for athlete accountability—just not today.. Fact: Did you know that Floyd Landis's name became synonymous with 'doping controversy'? Maybe he should've just brought snacks instead..
• Headline: Mets Rally to Defeat Yankees. Impact: The Mets' urgency to win somehow triggered a cosmic event that led to a parallel universe where they actually won the World Series every year. Meanwhile, back in our universe, they just managed a single win against the Yankees. Progress!. Fact: Did you know that calling a team meeting is basically the sports equivalent of 'let's play nice'? Because nothing says 'we're in trouble' like a bunch of millionaires gathering to discuss feelings..
• Headline: Jumping into Authenticity with Halsman. Impact: Philippe Halsman's jumpology led to the invention of 'jump selfies', which then spiraled into influencers jumping off cliffs for likes. Thanks, Halsman! The world became a dangerous place, all in pursuit of the perfect airborne Instagram shot.. Fact: Did you know that jumping can actually be liberating? Just ask your dog, who jumps with joy every time you come home, but now also expects treats for it!.
• Headline: Limbaugh, Somewhat Airbrushed. Impact: Limbaugh's airbrushed portrayal convinced thousands that political commentary could be just as glamorous as fashion magazines, leading to a bizarre trend of political figures posing on red carpets. Because who needs substance when you have great lighting?. Fact: Did you know that Rush Limbaugh was so influential that even mirrors started to reflect his opinions? Talk about having a big ego!.