MAY 21, 2010

Full News Archive

• Headline: New York's Pension System Under Pressure. Impact: This headline could lead to a massive increase in conspiracy theories about how New York's pension funds are actually a front for a secret society of raccoons managing the city’s finances. Who knew raccoons had such a flair for fiscal mismanagement?. Fact: Did you know that the only thing more padded than New York's pensions might be the egos of the politicians managing them?.
• Headline: Rand Paul's Controversial Civil Rights Remarks. Impact: Rand Paul's comments could have set off a chain reaction that leads to a new political party, the 'Tea Party for Tea Party Reform,' where they sip tea and argue about the finer points of civil rights while completely missing the point.. Fact: Fun fact: The Civil Rights Act was actually an attempt to make sure everyone was treated equally, which is still a radical concept for some politicians..
• Headline: Trichet Criticized Amid Debt Crisis. Impact: Trichet's struggles might inspire a new European sport: 'Crisis Management Wrestling,' where central bankers grapple with debt crises and each other in an epic showdown of incompetence.. Fact: Did you know that 'Trichet' is French for 'to be criticized'? Okay, I made that up, but it should be!.
• Headline: Naked Truth on Default Swaps. Impact: The uproar over credit-default swaps could lead to a future where financial instruments are treated like pets—regulated, licensed, and requiring a permit to exist. Imagine a world where you need to show your credit-default swap license at a bar!. Fact: Interestingly, credit-default swaps were thought to be the financial equivalent of a 'get out of jail free' card, except nobody told the players that the game was Monopoly..
• Headline: Many Hopes Ride on Makeover of the Grand Cherokee. Impact: The makeover of the Grand Cherokee could trigger an avalanche of future redesigns in the auto industry, leading to a world where cars are more fashionable than their drivers, resulting in a new trend: 'Car Fashion Week.'. Fact: Fun fact: The Jeep Grand Cherokee is lauded as a symbol of Chrysler's revival, but let’s be real—it's just a fancy way of saying they slapped on a new coat of paint..