MARCH 21, 2010

Full News Archive

• Headline: Viral Campaign Ads Transform California Elections. Impact: The nasty ads created a viral sensation that led to a future where candidates now have to hire social media strategists instead of policy advisors. Because obviously, the public cares more about memes than actual governance.. Fact: Did you know that in the future, political ads will likely be controlled by AI? So, instead of nasty ads, we might just get robot-generated inspirational quotes. What a time to be alive!.
• Headline: Northern Iowa Shocks No. 1 Kansas. Impact: This upset kicked off a chain reaction in college basketball, causing countless brackets to be shattered and the birth of the phrase 'March Madness' to be taken way too seriously by office workers everywhere.. Fact: Fun fact: This upset led to a rise in the consumption of junk food as fans drowned their sorrows in pizza and nachos while watching the next games. It’s basically a national pastime now..
• Headline: Historic Health Care Reform Approved. Impact: Obama’s healthcare victory set off a political domino effect, leading to future politicians declaring they will 'definitely' fix things, while actually just rearranging the deck chairs on the Titanic.. Fact: Did you know that the term 'historic' is used so often in politics that it has lost all meaning? It’s like calling a day-old pizza 'gourmet'..
• Headline: Just What Ahk-Sent Is That Onstage?. Impact: The struggle with accents onstage led to the creation of a secret society of dialect coaches who now charge exorbitant fees to actors, ensuring that no one ever understands Shakespeare again.. Fact: Fun fact: Accents can sometimes be so thick that even the actors forget their lines. It’s like improv, but with a British twist—and a lot of confused audiences..
• Headline: ‘Next Fall’: Broadway on a Budget. Impact: The uncommercial show’s success paved the way for more indie productions, resulting in Broadway being taken over by hipster feelings and overpriced coffee served in tiny cups.. Fact: Did you know that the average ticket price on Broadway is now so high that one could just buy a small island instead? At least you could have a beach party instead of a boring musical..