MARCH 10, 2010

Full News Archive

• Headline: Revamping Decaf Coffee Quality. Impact: This revolution in decaf coffee led to the rise of hipster coffee shops where people are more likely to debate the existential crisis of beans than discuss actual world problems. Somewhere in the future, a barista will discover a new blend that causes mass philosophical awakenings.. Fact: Did you know that decaf coffee still contains some caffeine? It’s like calling a decaf espresso a ‘decaf’ – it’s just trying to live its best life!.
• Headline: New York's Coffee Renaissance. Impact: This coffee renaissance inadvertently caused the rise of barista competitions, leading to a generation of coffee snobs who can tell you the exact altitude where the beans were grown, but still can’t find a decent slice of pizza.. Fact: New York’s coffee scene is so serious now that it’s rumored they’re developing a coffee-based currency. Better start saving those coffee beans for the next recession!.
• Headline: Challenges in Health Care Cost Reform. Impact: This half-hearted attempt at healthcare reform set off a chain reaction of endless debates about medical costs, leading to the invention of the ‘hospital insurance policy’ that became as confusing as tax codes. In the future, people will still be asking, ‘Wait, what does my plan cover again?’. Fact: Health care reform discussions often sound like a game of hot potato—everyone wants to pass it, but no one wants to hold on for too long!.
• Headline: European Leaders Call for Crackdown on Derivatives. Impact: This call to action led to an international game of financial whack-a-mole, where every time one derivative is regulated, two more pop up. Who knew finance could be such a wild carnival ride?. Fact: Derivatives are like the in-laws of the finance world—everyone talks about how complicated they are, but no one really wants to deal with them directly!.
• Headline: Broad Plan Urged to Fight New York’s Fiscal Crisis. Impact: This plan for addressing fiscal woes opened the floodgates for future politicians to propose ‘creative’ solutions, including everything from raising taxes on pizza to charging tourists for selfies in Times Square. It set a precedent for fiscal creativity that future leaders would only take further into absurdity.. Fact: New York’s fiscal crises are so common they could have their own sitcom. Picture this: ‘Fiscal Friends’—where the only thing more dysfunctional than the characters are their budget proposals!.