JANUARY 14, 2010

Full News Archive

• Headline: Tragedy Unfolds Amidst Medical Crisis. Impact: As medics focused on survivors, a butterfly in Brazil decided to flap its wings, which ultimately led to the invention of the fidget spinner. Because who wouldn't need distraction after a tragedy?. Fact: Did you know that the human body can actually survive without food for weeks, but it can't thrive without compassion? Let's work on that, shall we?.
• Headline: Baidu Gains Amid Competitor Exit. Impact: Baidu's gain could lead to a tech monopoly in China, paving the way for a dystopian future where every internet search is monitored by a giant panda. Because nothing says progress like a cuddly overlord.. Fact: Fun fact: The term 'monopoly' comes from the Greek word for 'one seller.' Ironically, Baidu is just one more step towards 'one internet.'.
• Headline: Debate on National vs. State Health Markets. Impact: The clash over health plans led to a national 'pass the buck' game that would eventually inspire the development of countless memes about how no one wants to take responsibility.. Fact: Did you know that the U.S. spends more on health care than any other country, yet still can't figure out how to put a band-aid on a simple problem? Classic!.
• Headline: Meet Mikey, 8: U.S. Has Him on Watch List. Impact: Mikey's watch list fame could have inspired a future where children are required to wear GPS trackers. Just imagine a world where every child is a potential spy, complete with a secret code name.. Fact: Did you know? Mikey's family is probably considering a career in espionage now, given their experience with constant scrutiny. Watch out, James Bond!.
• Headline: Democrats Fight to Hold Crucial Seat: Kennedy’s. Impact: The fight for Kennedy's seat ignited a series of political campaigns that would eventually lead to more negative ads than actual political discourse, proving that mudslinging is the true American pastime.. Fact: Did you know that in politics, 'crucial seat' is code for 'who can throw the most money at advertising'? It's like a game of musical chairs, but with more shouting!.