JANUARY 8, 2010

Full News Archive

• Headline: Obama's New Anti-Terrorism Policies Unveiled. Impact: Had Obama not implemented those policies, we might have ended up with a world where people think it's acceptable to use their shoelaces as bomb fuses. Oh wait, that's already happening.. Fact: Did you know that the only thing more complicated than counter-terrorism policies is trying to explain them to your grandparents?.
• Headline: J.F.K. Airport Runway Repairs Loom. Impact: The airport delays will lead to a generation of travelers who will eventually turn to meditation, resulting in an unexpected boom in yoga studios across the country. Namaste indeed.. Fact: Fun fact: JFK Airport once tried to expand their runway, but the only thing that expanded was the amount of time people spent waiting for their flights..
• Headline: Decline in New York's Commercial Real Estate. Impact: The decline in commercial real estate could lead to an influx of hipsters transforming abandoned offices into artisanal coffee shops. Thanks, economy!. Fact: Did you know that every time a commercial property goes vacant, a developer somewhere silently weeps into their plans for a luxury condo?.
• Headline: Fed Advice to A.I.G. Scrutinized. Impact: If A.I.G. had been more transparent, we might have avoided the 'Great Financial Crisis' and instead had a less 'great' version of it, like 'Mildly Annoying Financial Crisis.'. Fact: Here’s a fun tidbit: A.I.G. once stood for 'Absolutely Incredible Government,' but they had to change it after the bailouts..
• Headline: NBC Wants Leno Back in Old Slot. Impact: NBC's indecision led to a chain reaction of late-night hosts reshuffling, causing a butterfly effect that eventually resulted in the rise of TikTok stars who now have 10 million followers for lip-syncing.. Fact: Did you know that NBC's late-night scheduling is like a game of musical chairs, except all the chairs are broken and nobody wants to sit down?.