DECEMBER 31, 2009

Full News Archive

• Headline: Healing Bonds Beyond Borders. Impact: The bond between those two children led to a peculiar trend of parents from opposing sides forming book clubs. Little did they know, their discussions over 'War and Peace' would somehow influence a highly debated resolution in 2035 about international literature classes in schools. Who knew Tolstoy was a diplomat?. Fact: Despite the ongoing conflict, the actual percentage of children who want to be friends with each other remains shockingly high. Maybe we should let them negotiate the peace treaties instead?.
• Headline: McDonald's No. 2 Executive Departure Raises Concerns. Impact: Ralph's retirement sent shockwaves through the fast-food industry, inspiring a new wave of 'McDonald’s Executives Gone Wild' reality shows. Ratings soared, proving once again that Americans will watch anything as long as it involves a 10-piece nugget.. Fact: In the fast-food world, the turnover rate is so high that employees often joke they could earn a PhD in 'How to Leave McDonald's'. Maybe Ralph was just pursuing his doctorate?.
• Headline: Stock Market Recovery Rally of 2008. Impact: The stock market rally was the equivalent of a toddler's sugar rush: it looked promising for a moment, but we all know the crash that followed was going to be epic. Investors started wearing crash helmets to meetings, just in case.. Fact: The phrase 'buy low, sell high' is often followed by a collective groan from investors who’ve tried that and ended up buying high and selling...well, crying..
• Headline: Spy Agencies Failed to Collate Clues on Terror. Impact: The failure to collate information led to a series of unfortunate events that inspired a new genre of movies: 'The Spy Who Didn't Connect the Dots'. Spoiler alert: they never figure it out until the sequel.. Fact: The NSA has so much data that it's rumored they could predict your next pizza order if they really wanted to. But apparently, figuring out terrorist plots is a bit more complicated..
• Headline: Shadow of 9/11 Is Cast Again. Impact: The shadow of 9/11 lingered so long that it accidentally inspired a new genre of music: 'Post-Terror Blues'. Artists capitalized on the angst and dismay, leading to an unexpected Grammy win for introspection.. Fact: The term 'terrorism expert' is often used interchangeably with 'person with a lot of opinions'. They seem to be the only ones who can make a living off of what-ifs..