DECEMBER 21, 2009

Full News Archive

• Headline: N.F.L. Admits Long-Term Concussion Risks. Impact: This admission led to a ripple effect where parents started questioning if football was worth the risk, resulting in a dramatic drop in youth leagues. Thus, the NFL inadvertently caused the rise of Ultimate Frisbee as the new 'cool' sport, making hipster youth across America suddenly very fit and very annoying.. Fact: Did you know that the NFL's concession could have led to a secret meeting of helmet manufacturers? They now meet under the guise of a 'safety conference' but actually just discuss new designs for helmets that look like fashionable hats..
• Headline: Backlash Against China's Labor Exports. Impact: China's labor export backlash inspired a global trend of 'Buy Local' movements, which ultimately led to the rise of artisanal banana bread as a lucrative side hustle in coffee shops everywhere. Because nothing says 'anti-globalization' like overpriced organic goods.. Fact: Fun fact: This backlash also resulted in an underground movement of Chinese workers becoming 'labor influencers' on social media, where they post tips on how to survive on 50 cents a day while looking fabulous..
• Headline: Saab's Survival Efforts Amid Challenges. Impact: Saab's near demise led to a bizarre cult following among car enthusiasts who believed they were saving a once-great brand. This cult created an entire sub-genre of automotive memes, which somehow increased the overall number of memes in the universe—because we definitely needed more of those.. Fact: Did you know that the tiny Dutch automaker actually considered renaming their company 'Saab-otage'? Because what better way to market a struggling brand than to make it sound like a hostage situation?.
• Headline: After a Year of Ruin, Some Hope. Impact: The optimism for the media industry led to a brief period where journalists attempted to turn into influencers, resulting in an explosion of coffee reviews and personal essays. This was the moment when everyone realized they could be a 'content creator'—including your grandma.. Fact: Interestingly, this newfound hope also led to the invention of a coffee brand called 'Hope Brew,' which claimed to be the only coffee that could restore your faith in journalism—unfortunately, it didn’t work..