SEPTEMBER 20, 2009

Full News Archive

• Headline: Florida Prevails Despite Lackluster Performance. Impact: This unimpressive game led to a series of uninspired college football matchups, eventually paving the way for a generation of couch potatoes who now consider watching paint dry a competitive sport.. Fact: Did you know that if you combine Florida's football games with a nap, you can achieve a state of blissful oblivion? It's a win-win!.
• Headline: Paterson Defies Obama on Election Run. Impact: Paterson's stubbornness not only ensured he would run for election, but also inspired future politicians to ignore advice from their higher-ups, leading to a delightful circus of political blunders we still enjoy today.. Fact: Fun fact: Politicians often run for office despite being told not to because they think it’s like a game of 'Simon Says'—except there’s no winner, just a lot of confused voters..
• Headline: Paterson's Defiance Against White House Pressure. Impact: This declaration set a precedent for future politicians who would become experts in defiance, leading to an entire genre of political speeches that sound like toddler tantrums.. Fact: Did you know that 'defiance' is just a fancy word for 'I’m doing what I want, and you can’t stop me'? It's a popular mantra in politics and on playgrounds alike..
• Headline: Jets Put Patriots on the Defensive. Impact: The Jets' defense against the Patriots sparked a rivalry that would echo through time, inspiring countless memes and the questionable belief that any team can actually beat Tom Brady.. Fact: Did you know that the real reason the Jets put the Patriots on the defensive is that they were just trying to distract from their own historical shortcomings? Classic diversion tactic!.
• Headline: Found: An Emblematic Cold Warrior. Impact: Neil Sheehan’s book on the arms race became a cultural touchstone, leading to an entire generation of students who would rather read about the Cold War than actually deal with their personal relationships.. Fact: Fun fact: The term 'Cold Warrior' is often used to describe anyone who argues about politics at dinner parties, especially if they bring up nuclear weapons. Good luck with those conversations!.