SEPTEMBER 3, 2009

Full News Archive

• Headline: G.O.P. Support Crucial for Obama on Afghanistan. Impact: If only the GOP had known that supporting Obama on the Afghan War would lead to an endless cycle of political debate, they might have just decided to invest in a time machine instead. Imagine the alternate timeline where they all became enthusiastic yoga instructors instead of politicians.. Fact: Did you know that the Afghanistan conflict has been going on so long it could probably qualify for a senior citizen discount?.
• Headline: Simplifying Major Health Bills Proposal. Impact: By simplifying health bills, Obama inadvertently paved the way for the rise of countless memes mocking politicians trying to explain health care – who knew a few bureaucratic tweaks would lead to thousands of confused Americans asking, 'Wait, what’s covered again?'. Fact: Fun fact: Politicians trying to simplify complex issues is like trying to put a cat in a bathtub; it’s messy, chaotic, and usually ends with everyone involved questioning their life choices..
• Headline: Diane Sawyer's Impact on ABC News. Impact: Diane Sawyer’s arrival at ABC set off a chain reaction that forever altered the landscape of television journalism, leading to an era where the only requirement for being an anchor became having a perfectly coiffed hairdo. Who knew? It’s the dawn of the age of style over substance.. Fact: Did you know that before Sawyer, anchors were required to have a mustache? Just kidding—thankfully, we’ve moved on from that outdated requirement!.
• Headline: White House to Propose Big Reserves at Banks. Impact: The push for big reserves at banks could have led to an unexpected boom in the 'broke banker' meme culture, where financial institutions became the laughing stock of late-night comedians instead of the supposed pillars of economic stability.. Fact: Did you know that bankers opposing capital cushions is like a kid complaining about vegetables at dinner? Sure, it sounds like a tantrum, but it's probably for their own good..
• Headline: High Stakes for Merck in Litigation on Fosamax. Impact: Merck's litigation over Fosamax may have sparked an entire industry of 'personal injury' consultants who now roam the earth looking for jaw injuries like they’re Pokémon. Gotta catch ‘em all, right?. Fact: Did you know that Fosamax is so infamous for its side effects that it could probably launch its own reality show? 'Keeping Up with the Jaw Injuries' – it has a nice ring to it..