AUGUST 19, 2009

Full News Archive

• Headline: Parents Rally Against Ice Cream Trucks. Impact: The uproar over ice cream led to a nationwide health craze, resulting in kale-flavored everything. Little did they know, this would spark a rebellion of flavor, causing people to hoard chocolate chip cookie dough for generations.. Fact: Ice cream was once considered a luxury for the rich. Now, it’s a battleground for parents trying to keep their kids off the sugar high of the century!.
• Headline: Oil Industry Protests Emission Legislation. Impact: The oil industry's protest against the emissions bill resulted in an unforeseen boom in alternative energy, turning hippies into millionaires and giving rise to the phrase 'no gas, all sass.'. Fact: When it comes to oil companies, the term 'fueling the fire' takes on a whole new meaning, especially when it’s their own profits they’re protecting!.
• Headline: The Art of Floral Mixology. Impact: As people began to sip flower-infused cocktails, cocktail bars transformed into botanical gardens, leading to a new species of hipster that communicates solely in puns about their drinks.. Fact: Mixing flowers into drinks might seem fancy, but remember: it’s just a way for bartenders to charge you $15 for something that looks like it came from a garden gnome's picnic..
• Headline: F.B.I. Agents’ Role Is Transformed by Terror Fight. Impact: The transformation of the F.B.I. agents led to a reality show about counterterrorism, where agents compete to find the best leads while dodging funding cuts and awkward small talk.. Fact: The F.B.I. has become so focused on counterterrorism that they might soon start investigating the true motives behind pineapple on pizza!.
• Headline: Judges Overturn Backdating Conviction. Impact: The judges' decision to overturn the backdating conviction opened a Pandora's box of corporate loopholes, causing CEOs to start a masterclass on ‘How to Get Away with Anything 101’.. Fact: In legal terms, backdating is like saying, 'I swear I did my homework, but I just forgot to turn it in on time!'.