AUGUST 6, 2009

Full News Archive

• Headline: U.S. Analyzes North Korean Signals Post-Clinton. Impact: If Bill Clinton hadn't taken that trip, North Korea might have decided that launching rubber ducks instead of missiles was a viable strategy for psych warfare. Imagine the world today, blocked on Twitter by a bunch of quacking ducks!. Fact: Fun fact: North Korea's favorite pastime is still not understanding basic human rights!.
• Headline: The Rise of Statistics as a Career. Impact: This whole statistics craze led to a world where people now analyze their coffee choices with the precision of a NASA launch. Thanks, Clinton, for making this possible. Now, enjoy your 'data-driven' lattes!. Fact: Did you know that 'Statistics' is just a fancy word for 'making up numbers to sound smart?'.
• Headline: Lauren Luke: The Rise of a Beauty Icon. Impact: Lauren Luke's rise meant that every aspiring beauty guru suddenly thought filming themselves applying lipstick was a revolutionary act. Spoiler: It wasn't. Now we have hundreds of 'experts' in our feeds!. Fact: Did you know that Lauren Luke's tutorials were a gateway drug for countless cringe-worthy beauty hacks? You're welcome, Internet..
• Headline: On the Fairway, New Lessons in Saving Water. Impact: Thanks to the golf courses' newfound role as conservationists, we now have a generation of golfers who believe they’re saving the planet one putt at a time. Next up: eco-friendly golf balls that plant trees on impact!. Fact: Did you know that golf courses use more water than some small countries? But hey, at least the grass is greener where the water's wasted!.
• Headline: Could ‘Intervention’ Have Helped a Star?. Impact: Michael Jackson's death didn't just spark debates about drug addiction; it also gave rise to an entire generation of armchair psychologists, armed with nothing but a YouTube account and an opinion. Welcome to the age of unsolicited advice!. Fact: Did you know that intervention strategies have become so popular that they now come with their own reality TV show? Because nothing says 'help' like public humiliation!.