JULY 21, 2009

Full News Archive

• Headline: Study on Distracted Driving Data Withheld. Impact: Imagine a world where distracted driving data was actually released. People might have started taking their phones out of their hands, leading to less texting and driving accidents. But instead, we all just kept scrolling, perhaps even inventing a new kind of reality show: 'Survivor: The Road Edition'.. Fact: Did you know that texting while driving increases the risk of crashing by 23 times? That's right, it's almost like trying to solve a Rubik's cube while riding a unicycle on a tightrope over a pit of crocodiles. Fun times!.
• Headline: New York's Retail Dilemma: Storefront Vacancies. Impact: The rise of empty storefronts in New York could lead to a future where hipster entrepreneurs buy them up, turning abandoned shops into artisanal kombucha breweries and cat cafes. Thanks, economy!. Fact: Did you know that New York City has more vacant retail space than there are actual cats in the city? That’s right, a feline could probably open a successful business in this market!.
• Headline: Costly Bailout: A Taxpayer's Burden. Impact: The bailout could lead to future generations developing a deep-seated distrust of economists. Eventually, they might create a new religion where the worshippers chant 'In the name of fiscal responsibility, we shall not pay taxes!'. Fact: Did you know that the financial system bailout was so big, it could have bought every human on Earth a fancy coffee? That’s right, $700 billion could have been a caffeinated utopia instead of... well, whatever this was..
• Headline: Home Burials Offer an Intimate Alternative. Impact: Home burials could spark a trend where people start hosting 'backyard funerals' that turn into community potlucks. Who knew grieving could come with a side of potato salad?. Fact: Did you know that home burials were once a common practice? Apparently, people used to think that dying in your yard was more convenient than, say, dying in a hospital. Ah, the good old days of DIY death..
• Headline: Fed Aims to Hold Down Interest Rates. Impact: By keeping interest rates low, the Fed may have inadvertently paved the way for a generation of college students to take out enormous loans they would never pay back, leading to the rise of the 'forever broke' millennial.. Fact: Did you know that low interest rates make borrowing cheaper? It's almost like giving a teenager a credit card with no spending limit and a free pass to the mall. What could possibly go wrong?.