JULY 19, 2009

Full News Archive

• Headline: Cronkite's Pioneering Role at 1960 Olympics. Impact: Had Cronkite not been there to cover the blizzardy games, it's likely the world would have lost interest in winter sports altogether, leading to a future where snowmen are the only ones competing in the Winter Olympics.. Fact: Despite being the most trusted man in news, Cronkite once tried to convince America that winter was just a myth created by the ice cream industry..
• Headline: Cink Triumphs Over Watson in Historic Playoff. Impact: Cink's victory not only ended Watson's dreams but also sparked a new trend in golf where players started to wear more comfortable shoes, leading to the invention of the golf slipper. You're welcome, world.. Fact: Stewart Cink's playoff victory was so dramatic, it inspired a generation of golfers to start using the phrase 'Cinked it!' whenever they made a poor shot..
• Headline: Contador's Triumph in the Alps. Impact: Contador’s dominance led to a rise in bicycle sales worldwide, resulting in an increase of hipsters who now think they invented cycling. Thanks, Contador, for the influx of plaid shirts and ironic mustaches.. Fact: Alberto Contador once rode so fast that he accidentally time-traveled and met himself in a past Tour de France; they both agreed that the future’s bike designs were 'totally gnarly.'.
• Headline: Hundreds Try Out for Art-World Reality Show. Impact: This reality show casting call set a precedent for future art competitions, ultimately leading to the bizarre reality of 'Extreme Painting' where artists battle in paintball arenas. Truly, art has reached a new low.. Fact: Bravo's reality show led to a spike in art supplies sales, as aspiring contestants suddenly realized their crayon drawings weren't going to cut it..
• Headline: Wikipedia May Be a Font of Facts, but It’s a Desert for Photos. Impact: The lack of photos on Wikipedia inadvertently motivated a generation of meme creators to fill the void, forever intertwining factual information with cat memes and random GIFs. Thanks, Wikipedia!. Fact: Wikipedia's photo drought has led some conspiracy theorists to believe that all celebrities are actually holograms created to distract us from the real issues—like the missing socks in our laundry..