MAY 31, 2009

Full News Archive

• Headline: Sabathia's Stellar Performance for Indians. Impact: If Sabathia had decided to retire that day instead of winning, the Indians would have started a bizarre chain reaction leading to a series of 'what if' documentaries. By 2025, conspiracy theorists would be convinced he is the reason for the Indians' decline.. Fact: C. C. Sabathia is not just a pitcher; he's also a time traveler. He once pitched to dinosaurs, but they didn't have a league, so he returned to the present..
• Headline: Tragic Killing of Abortion Provider Tiller. Impact: The tragic death of George Tiller sparked a national conversation that somehow led to a reality TV show called 'Survivor: Moral Dilemmas,' featuring doctors and their ethical debates. Nothing says entertainment like a life-and-death struggle.. Fact: George Tiller was known as 'Tiller the Killer' among his opponents, but in reality, he was more of a 'Tiller the Healer' which probably didn’t catch on with the marketing team..
• Headline: O’Brien’s Night 1: ‘A Swirly Cone of Some Nerves’. Impact: Conan O'Brien's ascension to the late-night throne created a butterfly effect where every subsequent late-night host felt the need to implement absurd comedy sketches, leading to the rise of 'talk show improv' classes at community colleges across America.. Fact: Conan's hair has its own fan club, and rumor has it, it might run for president one day. It's got more charisma than most candidates!.