MAY 22, 2009

Full News Archive

• Headline: The Influence of the Christian Cultural Center. Impact: If only the pastor had decided to sell ice cream instead of preach, the entire Brooklyn economy could have pivoted to frozen treats, leading to an ice cream shortage that would crumble the dessert industry for decades. Who knew that salvation could be so sweet?. Fact: Did you know that with over 30,000 members, this church could practically run for mayor? I mean, it has more followers than most politicians!.
• Headline: Bronx Bomb Case: Missteps Unveiled. Impact: The tape mishap may have inadvertently inspired future terrorists to adopt a more 'discreet' method of communication, leading to an underground movement of mime-based plots. Silence is indeed golden—unless you’re plotting something!. Fact: Did you know that the only thing more chaotic than a homegrown terror plot is trying to assemble IKEA furniture without instructions? You can still end up in a mess, just less lethal!.
• Headline: Obama Faces Pitfalls on Detainees. Impact: Obama's struggle with detainees led to the rise of a new political party—the 'Moderates Who Can’t Decide' party. Their slogan? 'We’re still figuring it out!' This party eventually led to the invention of the undecided voter.. Fact: Did you know that trying to please both sides is like trying to ride two horses at once? Spoiler alert: it ends with a faceplant!.
• Headline: After Spidey, a Return to Hell. Impact: If 'Drag Me to Hell' had flopped, we might have never seen a resurgence of horror films, leading to a world where everyone is too terrified to watch anything darker than a rom-com. Thank goodness for creative control!. Fact: Did you know that 'Drag Me to Hell' was originally titled 'Please Don’t Drag Me to Hell'? The marketing team clearly had a thing for polite requests!.