MAY 19, 2009

Full News Archive

• Headline: Khalilzad's Potential Role in Afghan Politics. Impact: If Zalmay Khalilzad had taken that role, it could have turned Afghanistan into a political reality show, with weekly eliminations and surprise twists. Imagine the spin-offs! The fate of an entire nation hanging on a cliffhanger like a bad soap opera.. Fact: Did you know that Khalilzad has been involved in U.S. foreign policy since before Google was a thing? Talk about holding onto a grudge!.
• Headline: BlackRock's Dual Role Under Fire. Impact: BlackRock's advisory role could have led to the creation of a new financial instrument: 'Conflicted Profits Bonds'. Investors would buy them with the hope that someone would eventually care about ethics in finance. Spoiler: they don't.. Fact: Did you know that BlackRock manages more money than the GDP of most countries? So, yeah, they could probably buy their own island if they wanted to..
• Headline: Credit Card Firms Target Sterling Payers. Impact: This move by the credit card industry could have sparked a consumer uprising, leading to the 'Great Revolt of the Sterling Payers'. Imagine people marching with signs like 'We Want Fair Fees!' and 'Down with Interest Rates!' – a real sight to behold.. Fact: Did you know that credit cards were originally invented to make it easier for people to go into debt? Thanks, technology!.
• Headline: Seeking a Missing Link, and a Mass Audience. Impact: The announcement of the 47-million-year-old primate could have ignited a global obsession with ancient selfies, creating a trend where everyone would be trying to capture their own 'missing link' photos. #PrimateGoals would have ruled the internet.. Fact: Did you know that the term 'missing link' has been used so often, it’s practically the go-to excuse for late-night scientists looking for a good story?.
• Headline: Home Depot Girds for Continued Weakness. Impact: Home Depot's pivot from expansion to caution could have led to a nationwide trend of DIY enthusiasts hoarding lumber and paint, resulting in a modern-day 'Great Wall of Wood' in every backyard. Who needs a fence when you can have a fortress?. Fact: Did you know that Home Depot was actually founded in 1978? So, they've had plenty of time to perfect the art of telling you what you need for that 'simple' home project that ends up taking weeks..