MAY 14, 2009

Full News Archive

• Headline: Intel's Antitrust Ruling and Market Impact. Impact: The ruling against Intel led to a chain reaction of tech companies playing 'who can be the most anti-competitive without getting caught'. This ultimately resulted in a dystopian future where your toaster has better processing power than your computer.. Fact: Did you know that antitrust cases against big tech companies are as common as my coffee breaks? Spoiler alert: nothing ever changes!.
• Headline: Slow Uptake in Mortgage Modification Plan. Impact: The slow start to the mortgage modification plan set a precedent for future bureaucratic slowdowns, leading to a world where even time travel applications take a decade to process. Procrastination officially became a national pastime!. Fact: Did you know that in the time it took for 55,000 homeowners to enroll, a single snail could have crossed the entire country? Just saying!.
• Headline: Pension Inquiry Reveals a Power Broker’s Web. Impact: Hank Morris's indictment revealed a tangled web of power brokers, leading future political consultants to believe that the best way to succeed is to act like a spider in a web of deception. This resulted in a series of 'how to be shady' masterclasses that are still offered to this day.. Fact: Did you know that political consultants today are often just glorified party planners? Except instead of balloons, they bring scandals!.
• Headline: Paterson Asks Ethics Panel to Quit. Impact: Paterson's request for the ethics panel to quit was the first of many political deflections that set the tone for future leaders, who learned that whenever in doubt, just ask someone else to resign. This move eventually led to a political landscape where no one takes responsibility for anything!. Fact: Did you know that asking an ethics panel to quit is like asking a cat to stop knocking things off a table? It's just not going to happen!.