MAY 13, 2009

Full News Archive

• Headline: Decline of Christianity in the Middle East. Impact: As Christians packed their bags and bolted, the resulting void led to a thriving black market for holy water. Who knew scarcity could lead to such entrepreneurial zeal?. Fact: Did you know that in some regions, the Christians were so scarce, you could find more unicorns than churchgoers? Talk about a dwindling congregation!.
• Headline: Mass Withdrawals Before Madoff's Arrest. Impact: Madoff’s good ol' Ponzi scheme led to a crisis of trust so profound that even the neighborhood cat started hiding its tuna stash. Just imagine the paranoia at the next family barbeque!. Fact: Fun fact: After Madoff's arrest, financial advisors everywhere suddenly became the most sought-after therapists. Who knew money could be such an emotional rollercoaster?.
• Headline: Doctor Falsified Study on Injured G.I.’s, Army Says. Impact: The falsified study became a cautionary tale, making every future medical consultant think twice before exaggerating their product’s benefits. Suddenly, honesty became the hottest trend in healthcare!. Fact: Did you know that even the most exaggerated claims in history pale in comparison to the claims made in the world of late-night infomercials? Now that's a competition!.
• Headline: Stimulus Aid Trickles Out, but States Seek Quicker Relief. Impact: The slow trickle of stimulus aid turned states into master negotiators, perfecting their begging skills. Soon, they were more adept at pleading for funds than a dog begging for treats.. Fact: Did you know that the phrase 'stimulus package' was once considered a euphemism for a really awkward family reunion? Who knew economics could get so personal?.