MAY 9, 2009

Full News Archive

• Headline: Apple's Gaming Revolution with the iPhone. Impact: The iPhone's casual gaming experience led to the rise of countless mobile gaming companies, which ultimately resulted in a world where people prefer tapping their screens over having actual conversations. Thanks, Apple, for making social interaction even more awkward!. Fact: Did you know that the first mobile game, Snake, was a glorified version of a digital pet? Now we have games where you can build entire civilizations while ignoring your own responsibilities!.
• Headline: Premiere of 'The World in Flower'. Impact: The premiere of 'The World in Flower' kickstarted a chain reaction of cantata-inspired flash mobs across cities, leading to a rise in spontaneous poetic recitals in grocery stores. Who knew classical music could turn produce aisles into concert halls?. Fact: Fun fact: Alan Gilbert once conducted an orchestra while his cat sat on his score. That cat is now considered a musical genius..
• Headline: Grosse Pointe Blues: Automotive Industry Crisis. Impact: The automotive industry's woes meant that people started to rely more on public transport, which eventually led to the rise of those incredibly awkward silent rides on subways. Thanks to the car industry, we've all become masters of avoiding eye contact!. Fact: Did you know that the average American spends 38 hours a year stuck in traffic? That’s like binge-watching a mediocre TV series but with more road rage!.
• Headline: The Editors of Summer. Impact: As publications falter and die, the annual softball games became more of a memorial service than a competition. In the future, historians will refer to this era as the 'Softball Sadness Saga,' wherein the only thing being hit was the hopes of journalism.. Fact: Did you know that Central Park's softball league has more drama than a reality TV show? You think it's just a game, but it's really a soap opera on grass!.
• Headline: As Woodstock Turns 40, No Agreement on Tribute. Impact: The disagreement over the Woodstock tribute led to an influx of hipster festivals around the country, where attendees pay to relive the 'spirit of peace' while sipping overpriced organic kombucha. Thanks for keeping the 60s alive in the most ironic way possible!. Fact: Did you know that Woodstock originally had the slogan 'Three Days of Peace and Music'? Now it's more like 'Three Days of Traffic and $10 Vegan Burgers'!.