MAY 6, 2009

Full News Archive

• Headline: Job Growth During Economic Recession. Impact: This job creation frenzy sparked a nationwide game of musical chairs, but instead of music, it was just people frantically applying for positions. Spoiler alert: the chairs were all broken.. Fact: In a shocking twist, the hiring boom led to a rise in coffee consumption among the unemployed who suddenly became very 'busy' updating their resumes..
• Headline: Maximize Your Freezer for Savings. Impact: This freezer revelation transformed dinner time into a strategic military operation involving frozen peas and leftover pizza. As a result, a new generation of chefs emerged, all of whom were just really good at microwaving.. Fact: Studies show that the average person spends more time deciding what to eat than actually eating. So, thank you, freezer, for extending our indecision!.
• Headline: Doctor Raises Concerns Before Tobacco Legislation. Impact: This pulmonologist's alarm sounded like a modern-day Paul Revere, but instead of 'the British are coming,' it was more like 'the cigarettes are killing you.' Ironically, his warning led to an uptick in sales of mint-flavored gum.. Fact: Cigarettes were once so popular that they were considered a fashion accessory. Yes, nothing says 'I have my life together' quite like a pack of cancer sticks in your pocket..
• Headline: As Investors Circle Ailing Banks, Fed Sets Limits. Impact: As investors circled like vultures, the banking system began to resemble a soap opera, filled with dramatic rescues and betrayals. Ironically, this created a new reality show: 'Who Wants to Save a Bank?'. Fact: Private equity firms are like the cool kids at school trying to trade their lunch for your dessert. Spoiler: they always end up with the best snack..
• Headline: Plan to Sell Chrysler to Fiat Clears Bar. Impact: The Chrysler and Fiat merger sent shockwaves through the auto industry, causing car enthusiasts to rethink their loyalties. Distracted by the drama, people forgot that they actually needed to learn how to drive stick shift.. Fact: In Italy, Fiat stands for 'Fabbrica Italiana Automobili Torino,' which translates to 'Italian Cars That Sometimes Break Down.' You're welcome for the insight!.