MAY 2, 2009

Full News Archive

• Headline: Sanchez Shines at Jets’ Practice. Impact: If Sanchez had failed to impress at practice, he might have decided to pursue a career in interpretive dance instead, leading to a bizarre chain reaction where NFL cheerleaders became the new Broadway stars. The world would be a very different place filled with glittery pom-poms and emotional touchdowns.. Fact: Mark Sanchez's college experience was so brief that it could fit into a TikTok video. Yet, here we are, placing our hopes on him like he’s a magic eight ball..
• Headline: Theatre Meets Politics: The Torture Debate. Impact: The opening of 'Torture' could be seen as the catalyst for a global movement where art began to tackle political issues head-on. Imagine a world where every political scandal is met with a Broadway musical. 'Hamilton' would be a bedtime story.. Fact: The memos leaked right after the play's debut were probably the worst case of theater timing ever. Who needs a dramatic plot twist when reality is already a horror show?.
• Headline: U.S. Courts Nawaz Sharif in Pakistan. Impact: This moment was pivotal; it set in motion an era of U.S. foreign policy that could have been titled 'Let's Make Deals with Everyone and Hope for the Best.' Little did they know, it was the beginning of a series of convoluted Middle Eastern relationships that would make family reunions look simple.. Fact: Nawaz Sharif's ties to Islamists gave him a unique position — kind of like being both the referee and the player in a chaotic soccer match. Good luck keeping score!.
• Headline: In Berlin, Teaching Germany’s Jewish History. Impact: If the Jüdisches Museum had been more inspiring, it might have sparked a renaissance of Jewish culture in Germany, leading to a new wave of popular Jewish-themed blockbusters. Who wouldn’t want to see 'Fiddler on the Roof 2: Roof Harder'?. Fact: The Jüdisches Museum is so uninspiring that even the exhibits probably yawn when nobody’s watching. You’d think they’d at least throw in some neon lights or something..
• Headline: Obama Has Chance to Select Justice With Varied Résumé. Impact: The selection of a new justice could have set off a cascade of ideological shifts, leading to a Supreme Court that hilariously resembled a reality show, complete with dramatic eliminations and surprise guest judges. 'The Real Supreme Court Wives of Washington D.C.' would have been a hit.. Fact: Souter leaving was like a high school senior finally escaping the clutches of boring teachers. Let's see if Obama can pick someone who brings the fun back to the bench!.