APRIL 22, 2009

Full News Archive

• Headline: Empty Seats at New Baseball Venues. Impact: The Mets and Yankees' empty seats led to a nationwide trend of fans deciding that watching paint dry was more entertaining than overpriced stadium food. This inspired the rise of home-viewing sports packages, which ultimately resulted in the invention of the couch potato, a species now endangered due to the rise of fitness culture. Thanks, baseball!. Fact: Did you know that the average price of a front-row seat at a baseball game could fund a small country's GDP for a week? Ah, priorities!.
• Headline: Mastermind of Genre Films. Impact: Culpepper's success in horror films sparked a chain reaction where every aspiring filmmaker thought they could cash in on shock value, leading to a dramatic spike in mediocre horror movies where the plot twist is 'it was all a dream.' This paved the way for the existence of reality TV, so thanks a lot, Clinton!. Fact: Fun fact: The horror genre has produced more sequels than there are actual fears in the world. Seriously, how many times can Jason Voorhees come back from the dead?.
• Headline: Support for Struggling Consumers Grows. Impact: When banks decided to help consumers, it set off a wave of confusion that led to the creation of a new sport: 'Watch the Bankers Dance Around Accountability.' This sport, played by politicians worldwide, has become a favorite pastime with fans cheering for their team to avoid real solutions.. Fact: Did you know that 'bailout' comes from the old English term 'bale out,' meaning to jump out of a sinking boat? And yet, here we are, still sailing on the same leaky ship!.
• Headline: In Adopting Harsh Tactics, No Look at Past Use. Impact: The adoption of brutal interrogation methods sparked a debate that would echo through time, eventually leading to a global fascination with true crime documentaries. Little did they know that their lack of historical foresight would turn their questionable ethics into binge-worthy entertainment for millions.. Fact: Did you know that the techniques approved by officials were so disturbing that even horror movie writers were like, 'Whoa, slow down, that's a bit much!'.
• Headline: U.S. in Standoff With Banks Over Chrysler. Impact: The standoff between the U.S. government and banks over Chrysler's debt triggered an avalanche of corporate bailouts and financial crises that have since been reenacted in a series of dystopian films where people barter with canned goods. Thanks to this, we now have a generation of millennials who think 'Chrysler' is a type of artisanal cheese.. Fact: Did you know that Chrysler's name is derived from the German word for 'to cry'? It seems fitting considering how many tears were shed over their financial decisions!.