APRIL 12, 2009

Full News Archive

• Headline: Veterans Lead at Augusta Masters. Impact: If Kenny Perry had won at Augusta, it would have sparked a worldwide trend of aging athletes dominating their sports, leading to a new league of 'senior' professional athletes. Imagine a 70-year-old quarterback throwing Hail Marys while sipping Metamucil!. Fact: Kenny Perry's name is often mistaken for a country singer. Spoiler alert: he doesn't sing, but his golf swing could definitely hit the high notes!.
• Headline: Sabathia Reclaims Dominance Against Royals. Impact: C. C. Sabathia rediscovering his fastball could have led to a nationwide revival of baseball as America's pastime, resulting in a massive increase in hot dog consumption and the creation of the 'Fastball Diet'—where only fastball pitchers get to eat carbs.. Fact: They say if you can’t find your fastball, just look in the fridge. Sabathia must have been really hungry!.
• Headline: Pritzker Prize Awarded to Peter Zumthor. Impact: Peter Zumthor winning the Pritzker Prize may have inadvertently inspired architects worldwide to start building homes out of recycled pizza boxes, giving rise to a new 'eco-friendly' housing trend that confused everyone.. Fact: Zumthor's architectural genius was once overshadowed by his questionable choice of wallpaper—a bold move in the design world that left critics speechless (and slightly nauseous)..
• Headline: In Rescue of Captain, Navy Kills 3 Pirates. Impact: The Navy's decisive action against the pirates may have inspired the creation of an elite 'Pirate Defense Force,' complete with eye patches and parrots, leading to an unexpected resurgence of pirate-themed parties across America.. Fact: Captain Phillips was later offered a reality show called 'Survivor: Pirate Edition'—producers had to cut it after realizing no one wanted to live on a deserted island with actual pirates..