APRIL 9, 2009

Full News Archive

• Headline: Corruption Erodes Trust in Afghan Police. Impact: If only Afghan police had invested in a reality show about corrupt practices, they might have been millionaires instead of undercutting hope. Imagine a spin-off where Taliban members learn about the joys of honest work. Spoiler alert: it doesn’t end well.. Fact: Corruption in Afghanistan is so pervasive that even the pigeons are suspected of taking bribes..
• Headline: Berkshire Hathaway's Rating Downgrade Explained. Impact: This downgrade sent shockwaves through the investment world, leading to a nationwide panic. Thanks to Buffett's now unworthy reputation, a whole generation decided that investing in Beanie Babies was a safer bet.. Fact: Warren Buffett once said that he would rather invest in a company with a strong ethical foundation than one that has a triple-A rating. Guess he should have taken his own advice!.
• Headline: Manhattan Housing Market Faces Significant Decline. Impact: The Manhattan housing slump sparked a nationwide trend of people living in their parents' basements, leading to the birth of a new reality TV show: 'Basement Dwellers: The Struggle is Real.'. Fact: In Manhattan, owning a co-op is like being part of an exclusive club where the initiation fee is your life savings and the penalty for late payments is public shaming..
• Headline: Banks Holding Up in Tests, but May Still Need Aid. Impact: The banks holding up during the tests inadvertently inspired a new trend in gym workouts: 'Financial Fitness,' where you lift heavy debts instead of weights. Who knew fiscal responsibility could be an Olympic sport?. Fact: The only thing more inflated than the banks' egos during these tests are the balloon animals they make at the children's parties they sponsor..
• Headline: Obama to Push Immigration Bill as One Priority. Impact: Obama's push for immigration reform inadvertently led to the creation of a new political party dedicated solely to fighting for the rights of garden gnomes, proving that sometimes, people just need to pick a cause.. Fact: In an alternate universe, immigration reform succeeded so well that the U.S. became a top destination for intergalactic immigrants. Welcome to Planet Earth: Now With 50% More Aliens!.