MARCH 27, 2009

Full News Archive

• Headline: Europe's Unique Economic Safety Nets. Impact: In a twist of fate, Europe's decision to rely on safety nets instead of stimulus led to the rise of a secret society of economists who communicate solely through interpretive dance. Who knew fiscal policy could be so... expressive?. Fact: Did you know that Europe has more safety nets than a circus? Just don’t ask about the economic jugglers..
• Headline: Economic Hesitance Grips Portland. Impact: The hesitance in Portland led to the rise of a new breed of hipster: the 'Economic Pessimist.' They sip their artisanal lattes while lamenting the lost potential of investments that never were.. Fact: Fun fact: In Portland, 'hesitance' is just another term for 'I can't decide between avocado toast and a vegan donut.'.
• Headline: A.I.G. Bailout Payments Under Scrutiny. Impact: The inquiry into A.I.G.'s payments to banks sparked a chain reaction, resulting in an underground economy where taxpayers started trading conspiracy theories as currency. Who needs money when you have a good plot twist?. Fact: Did you know that the only thing more confusing than A.I.G.'s finances is trying to explain how to properly pronounce its name? Is it 'A-I-G' or 'Ay-gee'?.
• Headline: When Stars Twitter, a Ghost May Be Lurking. Impact: The rise of Twitter ghostwriters led to a bizarre phenomenon where the more followers you had, the more likely you were to have an imaginary friend writing your tweets. The line between reality and virtuality blurred, and soon everyone was tweeting like a Kardashian.. Fact: Did you know that ghostwriters are just like regular writers, except they don’t get haunted by their own bad ideas?.
• Headline: Stock Options Are Adjusted After Many Share Prices Fall. Impact: The adjustment of stock options became the foundation for a new reality show called 'Survivor: Corporate Edition,' where executives compete to see who can retain the most employees with the least amount of money. Spoiler alert: It’s always the one with the free snacks.. Fact: Did you know that lowering stock option prices is just corporate speak for 'We promise we won't let you go, but can you please ignore the layoffs in the corner?'.