MARCH 23, 2009

Full News Archive

• Headline: Protectionism Escalates Amid Economic Slump. Impact: As trade barriers rose, countries began to hoard resources like they were preparing for an apocalypse. This led to a bizarre global trend of people stockpiling goods, resulting in the Great Toilet Paper Shortage of 2020. Who knew protectionism could lead to a dash for bathroom supplies?. Fact: In 2020, people fought over toilet paper like it was gold. Because obviously, when the economy is in turmoil, the first thing to grab is a lifetime supply of Charmin!.
• Headline: A.I.G.'s Brand Under Siege. Impact: A.I.G.'s damaged reputation caused a wave of distrust in the insurance industry, leading to the rise of bizarre insurance policies like 'alien abduction coverage.' Thanks, A.I.G., for opening the floodgates to a world where people insure against imaginary threats.. Fact: Remember when A.I.G. was the bad boy of insurance? Now, they just have a brand that’s more damaged than my self-esteem after a bad haircut..
• Headline: Sweden Says No to Saving Saab. Impact: Sweden's refusal to save Saab resulted in a massive spike in hipster interest in vintage Saabs, creating a subculture of enthusiasts who now have their own festival. Who would have thought bankruptcy could lead to quirky meetups and ironic fashion?. Fact: Did you know that the Swedes decided to let Saab go belly-up? Guess they figured that if they couldn't have a car that worked, at least they could have their pastries and meatballs..
• Headline: Energy Secretary Serves Under a Microscope. Impact: Steven Chu's deep-end introduction to Washington led to a series of awkward metaphors in political discourse, forever changing how politicians describe their experiences. Now, every time someone faces a challenge, you can bet there’s a 'deep end' reference lurking around.. Fact: Fun fact: Steven Chu's swimming metaphor was so popular that it led to a new political swimming pool trend where politicians metaphorically dive into issues. Because, you know, nothing says 'I care' like a good splash..