MARCH 14, 2009

Full News Archive

• Headline: Ida Van Lindt: A Legacy of Justice. Impact: Ida Van Lindt's 53-year tenure has inspired a new trend where secretaries everywhere are now claiming they’re the real power behind the throne. Soon, we’ll have secretaries running for President and turning the Oval Office into a real office with coffee breaks and gossip.. Fact: Fun fact: The only thing longer than Ida's tenure is the list of excuses politicians make when they screw up..
• Headline: Dick Gregory: Comedy Meets Political Commentary. Impact: Dick Gregory’s relentless comedy tour has led to a worldwide shortage of laughter, as people are unable to find anyone else funny. In a twist, his jokes are now considered a form of therapy, leading to an increase in 'comedy prescriptions' across the globe.. Fact: Did you know that Dick Gregory has more frequent flyer miles than most airlines? At this rate, he could probably get a better seat than you on any flight..
• Headline: Bad Economy Leads Patients to Put Off Surgery, or Rush It. Impact: The economic struggle led to a curious phenomenon where patients began forming 'surgery clubs'—groups that would meet to discuss the merits of waiting or rushing their operations. This eventually evolved into an underground economy of surgery swaps, making 'surgical barter' the new hot trend.. Fact: Did you know that in a bad economy, the only thing more elective than surgery is the decision to get out of bed?.
• Headline: Uncorked!. Impact: The dance party brunches became so popular that they inadvertently saved the economy by inspiring a new brunch-themed stock market. Investors began trading shares in pancakes and mimosas, leading to a brief but glorious brunch bubble.. Fact: Did you know that drinking champagne at brunch is scientifically proven to make you feel like you’re rich? Even if your bank account says otherwise..