MARCH 5, 2009

Full News Archive

• Headline: Lamont's Potential Gubernatorial Bid. Impact: Lamont's musings led to a chain reaction of Democratic candidates suddenly deciding they were qualified to govern. The next thing you know, everyone was running for office like it was a marathon and not a serious position.. Fact: Did you know that 'musing' is just a fancy way of saying 'thinking about it while procrastinating on the couch'?.
• Headline: Tibetans Face Clampdown After Decades. Impact: The clampdown on Tibetans resulted in the creation of a secret society of Tibetan monks who began plotting their escape plans using only prayer beads and the power of meditation. Spoiler: they didn't need a time machine, just patience.. Fact: Tibetans have been known for their resilience, but this crackdown really tested the limits of their patience. Who knew being calm could be so taxing?.
• Headline: Another Karzai Forges Afghan Business Empire. Impact: Mahmoud Karzai's business empire paved the way for a new reality show: 'Keeping Up with the Karzais,' where family drama is eclipsed only by questionable financial dealings. Reality TV ratings soared as audiences watched the family drama unfold.. Fact: Karzai's empire is rumored to be built on the 'House of Cards' principle: if you stack enough questionable ventures on top of each other, it will stand until someone sneezes..
• Headline: Abruptly, Expatriate Bankers Are Cut Loose. Impact: The expat bankers' abrupt firing led to a sudden influx of baristas who also had MBAs, transforming coffee shops into the new Wall Street, where every latte was a potential IPO.. Fact: Did you know that 'expatriate' is just a fancy term for 'I used to be rich, now I’m just here for the free Wi-Fi'?.