MARCH 1, 2009

Full News Archive

• Headline: Obama's Influence on Global Climate Diplomacy. Impact: If only the U.S. had backed climate initiatives sooner, we might have avoided that awkward moment in 2025 when everyone realized that the ice caps were actually just icebergs dressed as celebrities on a reality show.. Fact: Despite the optimism, the only thing rising faster than hopes for a climate pact is the sea level. But hey, at least we have diplomacy!.
• Headline: Chemistry in Guys and Dolls Revival. Impact: This revival could lead to a surge in people named 'Bum' thinking they can actually get away with bad behavior, leading to a new generation of 'Bum' politicians. Thanks, 'Guys and Dolls'!. Fact: The chemistry in this revival is so lacking, it could be used as a textbook example of what not to do in theater. Maybe just stick to the classics, folks..
• Headline: Denver's Blue Horse: Controversy at the Airport. Impact: The fear of the blue horse might inspire a new trend in airport art, leading to a future where travelers are greeted by increasingly bizarre animal sculptures. Just wait until the giant pink flamingo lands in Miami!. Fact: The blue horse’s glowing eyes are said to be a warning. It’s like the airport version of a 'Do Not Disturb' sign for travelers who prefer their art less terrifying..
• Headline: Sitcoms Serve Up Comfort Laughs. Impact: The comfort of sitcoms could inadvertently lead to a generation that believes real life should come with laugh tracks, resulting in awkward silences at every serious moment. Cue the crickets!. Fact: The only thing more predictable than a sitcom plot twist is the fact that network viewers are too scared to try anything new. Comfort zones: 1, Creativity: 0..
• Headline: Growing Economic Crisis Threatens the Idea of One Europe. Impact: This economic crisis could lead to a future where Europe splits into separate nations that communicate solely through memes and TikTok dances. Because who needs diplomacy when you have viral trends?. Fact: The irony of trying to unite Europe while simultaneously threatening to split it is like trying to bake a cake while throwing the ingredients out the window. Spoiler: it doesn’t end well..