FEBRUARY 24, 2009

Full News Archive

• Headline: Science and Politics Intertwined. Impact: The perception of science as a political tool created a rift that led to a generation of conspiracy theorists who were convinced that the moon landing was filmed in a lab. This, of course, distracted everyone from the actual climate crisis until it was too late.. Fact: Fun fact: 'Restoring science to its rightful place' is actually just code for 'Let’s pretend to listen to scientists while we continue to ignore them.'.
• Headline: Colleges Launch Major Science Projects Soon. Impact: The wave of beaker-ready projects created a generation of overzealous college students who believed they could solve world problems with nothing but duct tape and a YouTube tutorial, leading to the creation of some truly bizarre inventions—including the first self-watering plant that also plays jazz.. Fact: Did you know that 'beaker-ready' was originally coined to describe a scientist's state of mind before coffee? Now it's just a euphemism for 'let's waste taxpayer money on projects no one understands.'.
• Headline: U.S. Is Pressed to Add Billions to Bailouts. Impact: The endless cycle of bailouts birthed a new breed of corporate vampires who thrived on taxpayer funds. This led to the bizarre phenomenon known as 'Corporate Welfare Parties' where CEOs gather to toast their latest rescue while the rest of us just toast our bread.. Fact: Did you know that every time a bank or carmaker gets bailed out, a unicorn loses its wings? Just kidding, but it sure feels like it sometimes..