FEBRUARY 20, 2009

Full News Archive

• Headline: Jerry Lewis Receives Oscar Honor. Impact: Jerry Lewis winning an Oscar led to a chain reaction of comedians feeling entitled to awards, resulting in a future where every stand-up special ends with confetti and acceptance speeches.. Fact: Did you know Jerry Lewis was once banned from a hotel for throwing a wild party? Yeah, because nothing screams 'American exuberance' like a good ol' hotel rager!.
• Headline: Unlocking Lending with Trillion-Dollar Strategy. Impact: The trillion-dollar key to lending created a future where the phrase 'too big to fail' is followed by 'and too big to care'. Welcome to the age of corporate welfare.. Fact: Did you know the Obama administration's economic policies were so effective that they inspired a new genre of motivational speeches? 'How to Bail Out Your Friends 101' is a bestseller!.
• Headline: Texas Town Holds Roots of Empire. Impact: Stanford's fraud case put Texas on the map for white-collar crime, leading to a rise in 'how to get rich quick' seminars held in local community centers. Y'all come back now, ya hear?. Fact: Did you know that $8 billion could buy a small country? Or at least a really nice mansion with a moat – you know, for privacy..
• Headline: Its Muscle Car Glory Faded, Pontiac Shrivels Up. Impact: Pontiac's decline sparked a revolution in car enthusiasts who vowed to keep muscle car culture alive, leading to countless backyard restorations and even more questionable tattoos.. Fact: Did you know Pontiac was once known for its 'Wide Track' design? Apparently, they mistook it for an invitation to make cars that could double as a small boat..