FEBRUARY 5, 2009

Full News Archive

• Headline: Wall Street Pay Trends and Regulations. Impact: In a world where bankers' pay suddenly matched that of doctors, we may have seen a surge in aspiring bankers rushing to medical school, resulting in a nationwide shortage of caregivers. Imagine heart surgeons who can also balance your checkbook—what a time to be alive!. Fact: Most doctors don’t know how to make a Wall Street deal, but they can definitely prescribe something for the agony of watching their salaries get dwarfed by banker bonuses..
• Headline: Executive Perks Under Increased Scrutiny. Impact: As scrutiny on bankers’ perks escalated, it sparked a nationwide trend of people getting creative with their own perks, leading to the rise of 'office nap pods' and 'unlimited snack days'—because who needs financial responsibility when you have a free candy bar?. Fact: Bankers often have more perks than a royal family member, but somehow, the only thing they ever seem to share is the blame when everything goes wrong..
• Headline: Science Found Wanting in Nation’s Crime Labs. Impact: The revelation of shoddy practices in crime labs led to a massive overhaul in forensic science, which inadvertently inspired countless crime dramas to become even more ludicrous in their portrayals of lab work. ‘CSI: Kitchen’ is coming soon, folks!. Fact: Forensic science is like cooking; if you don’t follow the recipe, you might end up with a messy kitchen and a lot of unanswered questions..
• Headline: Stimulus Talks Set to Continue After Centrists Push Cuts. Impact: The never-ending stimulus talks turned into a national pastime, with citizens gathering around their TVs to watch politicians debate like it was an Olympic sport, inevitably resulting in a new reality show: 'Survivor: Washington Edition'.. Fact: Bipartisan negotiations are like watching paint dry, but somehow they still manage to be less exciting than a snail race on a Sunday afternoon..