FEBRUARY 4, 2009

Full News Archive

• Headline: Peanut Butter's Popularity Endures Contamination Scare. Impact: If peanut butter had been abandoned due to this scare, we might have been living off unbuttered toast. Imagine a world where jelly has to find another partner. Chaos! The Great Jelly Depression of 2025 would have ensued.. Fact: Peanut butter has a longer shelf life than most relationships. Just like people, it’s often a little nutty but still stands the test of time!.
• Headline: Poster Boy Unmasked in NYC Incident. Impact: The unmasking of Poster Boy could've led to a global conspiracy where street artists are actually undercover agents fighting against bland public spaces. New York would have become a haven for revolutionary paintbrushes.. Fact: Street art has been around longer than your average politician's promise. In fact, it’s one of the few things that actually improves a city—unlike those pothole repairs that never seem to happen..
• Headline: Avoiding Tax Issues Like Tom Daschle. Impact: If Daschle's tax issues hadn't come to light, maybe we would have seen a resurgence in the 'Tax Evasion is Cool' trend among politicians. Who knows, we might have had a reality show called 'Keeping Up with the Tax Dodgers.'. Fact: Tax evasion is like playing hide and seek, but with the IRS. Spoiler alert: They always find you. Always..
• Headline: Time to Steer 'Forceful Course' for Stimulus. Impact: Had the stimulus been deemed effective, it might have sparked a renaissance of economic optimism, leading to a decade-long dance party of fiscal responsibility. Instead, we got the slow shuffle of budget cuts.. Fact: Stimulus plans are like diets—everyone talks about them, but few really stick to them. In this case, the government seems to have an aversion to kale..
• Headline: Dark Days for Green Energy. Impact: The decline of green energy installation could have resulted in an alternate timeline where fossil fuels were still king, leading to a world where we all wear gas masks as fashion statements. Talk about a smoggy runway!. Fact: Green energy is kind of like a hipster café—everyone loves to talk about it, but few actually invest in it. Who knew saving the planet could be so trendy?.