OCTOBER 10, 2008

Full News Archive

• Headline: Lawmakers Consider New Stimulus Plan. Impact: If Congress had just handed out Monopoly money instead of stimulus checks, we might have ended up in a real-life game of Monopoly, where nobody can afford Boardwalk anymore. Thanks, lawmakers, for keeping the economy slightly less amusing!. Fact: Did you know that stimulus checks are basically the government’s way of saying, 'Here, have some cash so you won't notice how much we still owe?'.
• Headline: Morgan Stanley Faces Major Crisis. Impact: The stock market's love affair with Morgan Stanley was clearly toxic. After this plunge, stockbrokers everywhere began to invest in therapy sessions instead of stocks, resulting in a boom in the mental health industry—a true silver lining!. Fact: Fun fact: If you invested in Morgan Stanley the day before this headline, you might have been better off buying lottery tickets. At least you'd have had a better emotional return on investment!.
• Headline: Who Needs a Country House?. Impact: People abandoning country houses for urban living led to a rise in overpriced avocado toast. As the hipsters flocked to Riverdale, the local economy thrived on artisanal toast-making, proving once again that luxury has no bounds.. Fact: Did you know that Riverdale is not just a neighborhood but a hipster paradise where the coffee is strong, and the Wi-Fi is stronger? Forget country houses; who needs fresh air when you have Wi-Fi and kale smoothies?.