SEPTEMBER 22, 2008

Full News Archive

• Headline: Financial Crisis at The Sun Newspaper. Impact: This deadline sent shockwaves through the media landscape, prompting a frenzy of 'urgent' headlines. As a result, the phrase 'breaking news' was overused to the point of inducing eye rolls and future generations started to believe all news is breaking, including the fact that their pizza delivery was late.. Fact: Did you know that the phrase 'deadline' originally referred to a line drawn around a prison? So, no pressure, right?.
• Headline: PS 363's Unexpected Decline in Grades. Impact: The parents' confusion led to a national movement where every parent began questioning the grading system. This eventually birthed online tutoring, which, in turn, created a generation of kids who think they can Google their way through life. Spoiler: they can't.. Fact: Fun fact: In ancient Greece, a 'D' grade would have been considered a sign of divine disfavor. So, good luck with that, Public School 363!.
• Headline: Bailout Debates: Democrats Push for Oversight. Impact: This debate set the stage for future generations to debate how to debate. Politicians began using the term 'bipartisan' as a buzzword to make it sound like they were actually doing something, while secretly arguing over the color of the curtains in the Senate.. Fact: Did you know that 'bipartisan' is Latin for 'we're all in this mess together, but we’ll still blame each other?'.
• Headline: Big Financiers Start Lobbying for Wider Aid. Impact: The financiers' lobbying efforts created a loophole so wide that it inspired future entrepreneurs to create companies based on exploiting loopholes. Enter the 'Bailout 2.0' franchise, where the only rule is 'if you can profit from it, do it.'. Fact: Did you know that lobbying is just a fancy way of saying, 'Let's casually bribe people in power'?.
• Headline: Paterson Seeks Study of Benefits at L.I.R.R.. Impact: This inquiry led to a decade-long obsession with 'studies' that ultimately concluded that public transportation is like a game of musical chairs, where you always end up standing. Naturally, this fueled the rise of ride-sharing apps, which ironically made traffic worse.. Fact: Fun fact: The Long Island Rail Road was once known as the 'Long Island Really Rushed'—because who doesn’t love a little pressure on their morning commute?.