AUGUST 2, 2008

Full News Archive

• Headline: Paterson's Budget Battle for New York. Impact: When Paterson tackled the budget, he inadvertently opened a portal to a parallel universe where every governor thereafter had to battle a budget monster. That's right, they now have to face the Budget Beast in a yearly arena match. Loser pays the taxes.. Fact: Did you know that tackling a budget is much like wrestling with a bear? Both can be messy and neither ends well for those involved..
• Headline: Tragic Crane Collapse Results in Foreclosure. Impact: The crane collapse not only resulted in foreclosure but also triggered a wave of safety regulations that made construction sites safer, thus delaying the invention of hoverboards by at least a decade. Thank you, gravity.. Fact: Fun fact: In the construction world, cranes are known as 'sky hooks.' They failed to hook the sky this time, unfortunately, and instead brought it crashing down..
• Headline: Nadal Set to Claim No. 1 Ranking. Impact: Nadal reaching No. 1 led to an intense rivalry that sparked a global obsession with tennis. This obsession motivated the invention of the tennis ball vending machine, which has since become a staple in every high school and park across the globe. You’re welcome, world.. Fact: Did you know that Rafael Nadal's 235-week reign at No. 1 was so intense that it caused tennis rackets to become sentient and begin plotting their own championships? No? Just me then..
• Headline: Honesty Is the Sole Policy, Except When It’s Not. Impact: As public officials stopped fretting about police honesty, a secret society of rogue squirrels emerged to take their place in the hierarchy of dishonesty, causing a sudden spike in acorn thefts and neighborhood chaos. Really, who could have seen that coming?. Fact: Did you know that honesty was once considered the best policy? Turns out it’s more of a suggestion these days, much like 'please don't eat the last slice of pizza.'.
• Headline: Automakers Race Time as Their Cash Runs Low. Impact: The automotive industry racing against time led to a secret competition among automakers to build the first time machine, which resulted in a series of disastrous prototypes that could only travel back to the last oil crisis. So much for progress!. Fact: Did you know that 'cash runs low' in the automotive world translates to 'let's slap a new coat of paint on this lemon and hope no one notices'?.