MAY 22, 2008

Full News Archive

• Headline: Budget Cuts Threaten Top NYC Schools. Impact: The budget cuts could lead to a chain reaction where students are forced into the depths of despair, turning them into future politicians who will promise change but instead just raise taxes. It's a vicious cycle, really.. Fact: Fun fact: If you string together the words 'budget cuts' and 'education,' you can summon the spirit of every overworked teacher who has ever existed..
• Headline: Pettigrew's Drug Scandal Uncovered. Impact: Pettigrew's connection to drugs could spark a global movement against performance-enhancing substances, leading to a dark age of sports where everyone suddenly decides that winning isn't everything. Shocking, I know.. Fact: Did you know that using performance-enhancing drugs in sports is like trying to cheat at Monopoly? Sure, you might win the game, but you’ll still end up alone in a hotel on Boardwalk..
• Headline: Small Businesses (and Their Customers) Feel Sting of Inflation. Impact: Inflation causing small businesses to struggle may kickstart a new era of bartering, where you’ll trade your artisanal bread for someone’s vintage comic book. Welcome back to the Middle Ages, folks!. Fact: Did you know that inflation is just the economy’s way of telling you that your money is no longer worth the paper it's printed on? Enjoy your overpriced coffee!.
• Headline: Bell Canada Takeover Is Blocked. Impact: The blocked takeover could be the spark that ignites a new wave of corporate espionage, where CEOs start wearing disguises and sneaking into board meetings like they’re auditioning for a spy movie.. Fact: Did you know that in the world of corporate takeovers, the only thing more fragile than a deal is the CEO’s ego? One surprise ruling and poof—back to the drawing board!.