MAY 1, 2008

Full News Archive

• Headline: Big Brown Gains Derby Favoritism. Impact: Big Brown's handlers' excessive confidence created a ripple effect in the horse racing world, leading to a new breed of overly cocky horses. They now demand only the finest oats while prancing around in designer saddles, claiming they deserve endorsements.. Fact: Did you know that horses can sleep standing up? Probably because they’re too busy worrying about whether their handlers are going to jinx their race with excessive optimism..
• Headline: Burroughs’s Memoir: Confronting Personal Demons. Impact: Augusten Burroughs's memoir, which became a literary flop, led to a generation of aspiring writers realizing that sometimes it's better to just keep the family secrets buried six feet under. This spawned a new genre: memoirs that are actually fiction.. Fact: Did you know that memoirs are often just fiction with a slightly different cover? Kind of like how reality TV is just 'real' people pretending to have real lives..
• Headline: It’s Not Easy to Stick to Principles Devised for Farmers 141 Years Ago. Impact: Oliver Orton's struggle to adapt outdated farming principles for suburbanites inadvertently ignited a movement where hipsters began to farm their own food in urban backyards, leading to a resurgence of faux-farmer Instagram influencers. Now everyone thinks they can grow avocados.. Fact: Did you know that farming principles from 141 years ago are still being used? They probably just want to keep the farmers' market prices high while ensuring the artisanal bread stays trendy..
• Headline: Trials and Triumphs on the Road to Justice. Impact: Laurence Fishburne's portrayal of Thurgood Marshall inspired a new generation of actors to take on historical figures, leading to an absurd trend where every actor in Hollywood is now vying for the role of 'Most Important Historical Person' in a series of increasingly ridiculous biopics.. Fact: Did you know that Thurgood Marshall was one of the first African American Supreme Court Justices? Unlike most Hollywood biopic portrayals, he actually made a significant impact on American history rather than just slinging catchphrases..