APRIL 6, 2008

Full News Archive

• Headline: Concerns Over Soldiers' Mental Health in Iraq. Impact: The stress of return tours sends a ripple through time, leading to the invention of the 'emotional support tank' in 2075, because who wouldn't want a cuddly tank to hug after a rough day of combat?. Fact: Did you know 'Army Strong' was almost 'Army Really, Really Tired'?.
• Headline: Kansas Advances to Championship Game. Impact: This victory sets off a chain reaction in sports fandoms, leading to a nationwide obsession with college basketball that ultimately results in the creation of mandatory March Madness brackets in high schools across the country.. Fact: Fun fact: Kansas has more basketball championships than I have pairs of socks. And I have a lot of socks..
• Headline: 1949 Musical's Journey to Broadway. Impact: This musical paves the way for every Broadway show trying to cash in on nostalgia, resulting in a bizarre future where 21st-century revivals of 20th-century flops dominate the stage.. Fact: Did you know that the original 1949 show featured a character who was literally just a piece of furniture? Because why not?.
• Headline: American Children. Impact: Lahiri’s stories inspire countless immigrants to write their own tales, inadvertently leading to a world where everyone thinks they can be the next Great American Novelist, resulting in a mass of unread manuscripts piling up in basements everywhere.. Fact: Did you know America was once a place where people came to just be themselves? Now it’s more like a theme park for identity crises..
• Headline: After War, Love Can Be a Battlefield. Impact: This retreat signals the beginning of countless 'healing workshops', which eventually spawn a booming industry of overpriced counseling retreats in exotic locations, where soldiers learn to meditate while sipping overpriced organic smoothies.. Fact: Fun fact: 'Love is a Battlefield' was nearly the title for a popular dating app—but they opted for something less traumatic..