FEBRUARY 22, 2008

Full News Archive

• Headline: Urgent Responses to Kathryn Faughey's Murder. Impact: In a twist of fate, the murder of Kathryn Faughey led to a series of overly reactive laws that eventually resulted in a national 'No Complaints Allowed' policy, which ironically made the world a much quieter place, if not a bit eerie.. Fact: Did you know that knee-jerk reactions often lead to knee injuries? Perhaps lawmakers should consider some stretching before jumping to conclusions..
• Headline: Government Proposals for Homeowner Relief. Impact: The government's debate over rescuing homeowners sparked a trend where people started to view their mortgages as a long-term relationship - one filled with ups, downs, and countless regrettable decisions.. Fact: Did you know that in the time it takes to weigh rescue proposals, you could probably learn to juggle? Just saying..
• Headline: Bankers' Paralysis During Financial Crises. Impact: The fear of action among bankers eventually led to a new sport: Competitive Inaction, where participants sit around discussing plans that never materialize, earning them medals in procrastination.. Fact: Did you know that the only thing bankers fear more than acting is a well-timed pun? Perhaps that's why they keep their jokes to a minimum..
• Headline: Enduring Image Leads to Enduring Dispute. Impact: The feud between the Olympians not only strained their relationship but also inspired a reality show, 'Olympian Feuds: The Real Athletes of the Track,' which never actually aired due to lack of interest.. Fact: Did you know that sometimes the most enduring thing about a dispute is the popcorn you'll need while watching it unfold?.
• Headline: New Claim of Taping Emerges Against Patriots. Impact: This scandal led to the creation of an entirely new genre of fan fiction where every plot twist revolves around the Patriots' alleged antics, making them the stars of a not-so-glorious digital universe.. Fact: Did you know that if you stacked all the tapes the Patriots allegedly made, you'd probably end up with a very tall tower of questionable ethics?.