FEBRUARY 19, 2008

Full News Archive

• Headline: Baby Food Controversy at Airport Security. Impact: This baby food debacle sparked a movement that led to the invention of super compact, TSA-approved baby snacks. In an alternate timeline, parents carry around 'instant mush' pouches that are actually just pureed kale and quinoa, making kids far too sophisticated for their own good.. Fact: Did you know that the TSA once confiscated a jar of peanut butter because it was deemed a 'liquid'? Because, you know, the real danger is a baby armed with a snack..
• Headline: Female Golfer Challenges Gender Discrimination. Impact: Elaine's lawsuit opened the floodgates for women in golf, leading to a future where the only thing more common than a hole-in-one is a woman winning a PGA Tour event. The men's-only clubs were eventually transformed into all-gender spas, where the only thing they could exclude was bad golf.. Fact: Did you know that in some parts of the world, women have been playing golf since the 16th century? Meanwhile, men were still arguing over who gets to wear the funky plaid pants..
• Headline: Pettitte's Truth Amidst Controversy. Impact: Andy Pettitte's commitment to truth-telling is believed to have inspired countless future athletes to come clean about their pasts. In an alternate universe, this honesty revolution led to a national holiday: Truth-telling Day, where athletes would confess their sins as a form of community service.. Fact: Did you know that Roger Clemens once claimed he could throw a baseball faster than the speed of light? Spoiler alert: he couldn't..
• Headline: Feared Sweeps for Illegal Workers Found Just One. Impact: The fear surrounding illegal worker sweeps became so exaggerated that it led to the creation of a reality TV show, 'Ghost Workers', where employers would hide their undocumented staff in elaborate hiding spots. This show eventually became a cultural phenomenon, making 'hiding' the new trend.. Fact: Did you know that the chances of finding illegal workers are about as low as finding a unicorn in a Starbucks? But hey, at least the coffee's good..
• Headline: Democrats Make Populist Appeals Before Contests. Impact: The Democrats' populist shift led to a time where politicians were required to wear 'I <3 the People' t-shirts during debates. The movement ignited a series of absurd political platforms, including a proposal to replace all lawn signs with giant inflatable thumbs up.. Fact: Did you know that at one point, politicians actually tried to connect with voters by using phrases like 'business-friendly'? Yeah, that went over about as well as a lead balloon..