JANUARY 29, 2008

Full News Archive

• Headline: Tensions Rise Among Republican Candidates. Impact: The acrimony among Republicans in Florida spiraled into a chain reaction, resulting in the invention of the 'Blame Game Olympics,' where politicians compete to see who can point fingers the fastest. Spoiler alert: they all win!. Fact: Did you know that political debates are just reality TV shows for people who can’t handle actual reality?.
• Headline: Bush's Final State of the Union Address. Impact: Bush's focus on war and taxes created a paradox where tax rebates were seen as a 'buy one, get one free' deal on military conflicts, leading to a reality where couponing is now considered a patriotic duty.. Fact: Fun fact: The last time a tax rebate was as popular as a new iPhone was... well, never..
• Headline: 4 Officers Named in Fatal Shooting Incident. Impact: The shooting of the officer led to the creation of a secret society within the police force that believed wearing capes would prevent on-duty mishaps. Spoiler: It didn’t work.. Fact: Did you know that most police officers prefer donuts over drama? But sometimes, drama finds them anyway..
• Headline: Knoblauch Will Talk to Committee; Agent Defends Clemens. Impact: Chuck Knoblauch's testimony opened the floodgates for baseball players to admit their use of steroids, unintentionally inspiring a new trend of athletes trading their secrets for reality show appearances. Welcome to the 'Steroid Survivor' series!. Fact: Did you know that steroids are basically a performance-enhancing drug for your career in reality TV?.
• Headline: Higher Costs May Curtail M.T.A. Work. Impact: The soaring costs of M.T.A. projects led to the invention of the 'Subway Station Fundraiser,' where New Yorkers were asked to donate while standing in line for overpriced coffee. The irony was rich, just like the coffee.. Fact: Fun fact: The M.T.A. could probably fund a small country with all the loose change floating around in its subway system..