DECEMBER 9, 2007

Full News Archive

• Headline: Romney's Theological Engagement Unfolds. Impact: After this theological showdown, a secret society of doorbell designers emerged, claiming they could communicate with the divine via doorbell chimes. Soon, door-to-door salesmen were replaced by 'doorbell prophets' selling holy door chimes.. Fact: Did you know that doorbells were originally invented to keep pesky solicitors at bay? Clearly, Mitt Romney took that to heart!.
• Headline: Connecticut's New Young Driver Restrictions. Impact: The new driving restrictions led to a surge in teens inventing creative excuses to avoid driving altogether, resulting in a nationwide boom in rollerblading and pogo sticks. Who knew safety could spark a sporting revolution?. Fact: Fun fact: The first car accident was in 1891. Looks like some things never change—except for the fact that now we just have more laws!.
• Headline: Student Loan Corporations Under Review. Impact: As officials scrutinized student loans, future generations of students began to plot their revenge by inventing a new form of currency: 'degree points.' This led to a bizarre economy where students traded GPA for pizza.. Fact: It's amazing that some state-affiliated loan corporations forgot their purpose, just like I forget my bank PIN every other week!.
• Headline: Rubles Are a Girl’s Best Friend. Impact: This headline led to a bizarre trend where socialistas started gifting rubles instead of diamonds, causing jewelers to pivot to currency design. Soon, 'bling' became synonymous with 'bank notes.'. Fact: They say money can't buy happiness, but apparently it can buy you some very nice connections in Russia!.