NOVEMBER 13, 2007

Full News Archive

• Headline: Lisa Wang's Olympic Hopes Diminish. Impact: Lisa Wang's dashed Olympic dreams led to a surge in alternative sports programs, as parents everywhere decided that rhythmic gymnastics was too risky—causing a butterfly effect where the next generation of kids took up competitive potato sack racing instead.. Fact: Despite her disappointment, Lisa Wang's flexibly tragic tale inspired a reality show where gymnasts train in bizarre sports, like competitive napping and synchronized snoring. Tune in for the drama!.
• Headline: Roots of America's Political Division. Impact: The political divide grew so wide that it eventually led to the creation of a new state: the United States of Apathy, where everyone agrees to disagree and watches cat videos instead of voting.. Fact: Turns out, hyperpartisanship was actually started by a group of bored politicians who decided that yelling at each other was more entertaining than, you know, actually governing..
• Headline: The Gender Imbalance in Animated Films. Impact: The male-centric animated films sparked a revolution where bees began to protest for more female roles, leading to the first-ever animated film with a bee as a feminist icon—buzzing its way to the Oscars!. Fact: In a shocking twist, the male characters in these films were actually just there to distract from the fact that honey production was falling due to poor representation. Who knew bees were so progressive?.
• Headline: Go East, Young Writers, for Theater!. Impact: The Writers Guild strike created a wave of playwrights who, in desperation, began writing plays that had plots about writers going on strikes, leading to an entire genre of self-referential theater that only confused the audiences further.. Fact: The last time writers took a break from Hollywood, they stumbled into a coffee shop and accidentally started an independent film renaissance. Imagine the chaos if they actually returned to theater!.