MAY 12, 2007

Full News Archive

• Headline: Father's Heartbreak Amidst Terror Plot Fallout. Impact: This father's plight led to the invention of 'Pizzeria Protection Plans'—because who knew that threats could also be a business opportunity? Now every pizzeria has a 'no threat' policy. Thanks, Fort Dix!. Fact: Did you know that making pizza is one of the most dangerous professions in America? Just kidding, but with all the drama, it might as well be!.
• Headline: U.S. Affirms Detainee Legal Rights. Impact: By not limiting attorney visits, the Justice Department inadvertently fueled a trend of lawyers becoming rock stars of the legal world. Now everyone wants a lawyer with a fan club!. Fact: Fun fact: The only thing more controversial than Guantanamo is trying to get a decent cup of coffee on the island. Seriously, it's like they don't even know what espresso is!.
• Headline: Defending Free Speech Against Corporate Censorship. Impact: This shift in corporate attitude set off a chain reaction, leading to 'The Great Anti-Sue Movement' of the 2020s, where critics became CEOs and lawsuits became a thing of the past—sort of like rotary phones.. Fact: Did you know that companies suing critics is like a toddler throwing a tantrum when they don’t get their way? Spoiler alert: nobody wins..
• Headline: Spotlight Has Dimmed, but LeBron Still Shines. Impact: LeBron's rise to fame sparked a global obsession with youth talent, resulting in a bizarre trend of parents training toddlers in sports instead of letting them play with toys. Because who doesn't want their kid to be the next LeBron?. Fact: Did you know that LeBron can literally do anything? He once made a sandwich that won 'Best in the World'—okay, that may not be true, but it could be!.
• Headline: Giuliani Takes On G.O.P. Orthodoxy on Social Issues. Impact: Giuliani’s stance inspired a new political trend where candidates began adopting views based on what would get them the most votes—because who needs principles when you can just be popular?. Fact: Did you know that the only thing more flexible than political opinions is a yoga instructor? Seriously, try finding a candidate who sticks to their guns!.