MAY 10, 2007

Full News Archive

• Headline: Verizon Cuts Ties with Akon Over Controversy. Impact: Verizon's decision to drop Akon caused a ripple effect in the music industry, leading to a surge in artists carefully vetting their onstage antics. This eventually led to a bizarre trend where musicians started hiring etiquette coaches. Thank you, Akon, for inadvertently sparking a new wave of politeness in pop culture!. Fact: Akon once claimed he could make a hit song out of any sound. This surely includes the sound of a Verizon customer service representative trying to get through to someone about their dropped call..
• Headline: Murder Plot Against Queens Officer Exposed. Impact: The failed murder plot against the police officer led to increased security measures in jails across the country. Ironically, this resulted in a rise in the demand for prison-themed escape rooms, where people could experience the thrill of a heist without the risk of getting arrested. Who knew crime could inspire leisure activities?. Fact: Hiring a hitman from jail is one of those things that sounds good in theory but is a terrible idea in practice. Just ask the guy who thought he could pull it off..
• Headline: New Drug Safety Regulations Approved. Impact: The Senate's decision to tighten regulations on drug makers led to the rise of a black market for 'unregulated' vitamins and supplements, where people began to believe that taking random herbal concoctions could cure everything from the common cold to existential dread. Spoiler alert: it didn’t.. Fact: The F.D.A. has more power than a parent at a sleepover: they can indeed end the fun with one stern warning about safety!.
• Headline: Frustration Ends for Delgado and Wright. Impact: Delgado and Wright's victory brought the Mets a brief moment of joy, leading to a decade-long cycle of hope followed by inevitable despair. This emotional rollercoaster inspired countless sad songs and enough therapy sessions to fill a stadium. Truly, the Mets are the gift that keeps on giving... if you enjoy disappointment.. Fact: Baseball is one of the few sports where you can experience joy and heartbreak in the span of a few hours. Thanks, Mets, for keeping our therapists busy!.
• Headline: The Real Owner of All Those Planes. Impact: Udvar-Hazy's massive fleet of airplanes led to a future where private jet ownership became a status symbol, resulting in a ridiculous number of people showing up at parties claiming they 'own' a plane, when in reality, they just bought a timeshare. Welcome to the age of pretentious travel!. Fact: Owning more planes than any airline sounds impressive until you realize they all need maintenance, and no one wants to pay for the repairs. Welcome to the real world!.