MARCH 9, 2007

Full News Archive

• Headline: Mexico's Oil Crisis and Political Impact. Impact: The decline of Pemex led to a series of unfortunate events, including the rise of alternative energy, which in turn created a new wave of hipster baristas who refuse to use anything but ethically sourced avocados. Thanks, oil politics!. Fact: Did you know that oil production in Mexico is more dramatic than any soap opera? It's almost like watching 'Days of Our Lives' but with more explosions and fewer dramatic revelations..
• Headline: Tragic Bronx Fire: A Lesson in Oversight. Impact: The Bronx fire incident caused a massive push for stricter building codes, leading to the unintended consequence of everyone becoming overly cautious, including that guy who triple-checks if the doors are locked before leaving his house.. Fact: Did you know that the Bronx is the birthplace of hip-hop? Seems a bit ironic that while the music soared, basic oversight was just burning everything down..
• Headline: Nine Dead, a Community in Mourning. Impact: The tragedy of the Bronx fire led to nationwide safety reforms, which ironically made future fire drills more popular than actual parties. Who doesn't love a good 'stop, drop, and roll'?. Fact: Did you know that nine lives is a myth? Cats might have a head start, but human lives are definitely not designed to be taken lightly..
• Headline: Finding Peace, and Looking for a Job. Impact: Josh Hamilton's comeback story inspired a new trend of 'clean living' among ballplayers, which inadvertently led to the rise of the 'Organic Sports Drink' that tastes like disappointment and kale.. Fact: Did you know that recovering addicts are the only people who can make baseball seem more exciting than it actually is? It's like watching paint dry, but with more dramatic backstories!.